[ Xichen has taken a long, long moment to just stand with his face in both his hands after seeing that message.
He feels sick to his stomach and doesn't know, in any way or shape, how to stop people hurting on his account without removing himself altogether, but even if he knew how to do that, it would hurt Wangji, all of them, so it's out of the question, too.
The first person he seeks out is Huaisang. However large the train is, it is finite, and Xichen will knock on his cabin door if he doesn't find him elsewhere. ]
[ Huaisang is cursing at his hand softly when Xichen is knocking at his cabin door. He sighs, his hand set behind his back as he opens the door. He could guess who it would come and of course, it is Xichen that he sees. He is half tempted to shut the door on his face, feeling a tightness in his chest and throat. He bows but it's minimal and perhaps not nearly what he would usually do but he has a hand to hide and he's feeling rather cross. ]
[ For a moment, Xichen's disorientation at the question shows on his face, though it fades like ripples in a lake, soon enough. Never mind the way Huaisang means it, since when do people even ask him that?
Not that he has an answer proper, so he goes with close enough. ]
To check on you. Rather than try to talk to him.
[ The comfort he has in him to give is limited, but it is honest. ]
[ Huaisang is tired, he's tired of the pain, of the burning need for
revenge, for vengeance and the frustration of feeling even more alone than
he had in that room with Jin Guangyao after the funeral, than when he had
first arrived on the train. There had been a moment of comfort with Jiang
Cheng but then it had seemed he's been avoided since. ]
Not turning a blind eye to mistakes that are of the same shape as what was don before. [ Xichen lets out the softest sigh. ] I cannot blame him for what he has not done yet. But what he does - his actions will have consequences.
It is how da ge wanted it. Guiding him... does not mean indulging him.
I am no longer blindly on his side. That is what I can do.
You were blind to them before and you didn't listen before either... do you really think he could not fool you again? That he wouldn't have been able to fool da ge for some time?
[ Huaisang focuses on his anger so he doesn't have to deal with his grief in front of Xichen. ]
What makes you think that you would treat me any differently than you did da ge when he tried? Would you make me feel like I am going mad? You can't... honestly believe that you can't be fooled again. Not with what he has always meant to you. Love makes even the wisest of men fools.
[ Lan Xichen, his brother... when has love not made one a fool? ]
[ Xichen considers the question, letting the anger flow past him - Huaisang has done (will do, this Huaisang hasn't) the worst to him that Xichen thinks he will. After a decade of watching in silence as Xichen failed him, and failed him again - he knows where Huaisang draws the line. So he is not afraid of Huaisang.
Only for him.
After a moment, he points out quietly, ] once he saw him, da ge never faltered in knowing. I will not, either.
[ You can't love with a dead heart, Huaisang. And Xichen's is very much that. ]
[ Xichen considers again, but as usual when asked about what he wants, he comes up empty. Even more so after it all came to light. He had wanted both da ge and - he had wanted both his sworn brothers. He had wanted for them to bring peace to each other. Later... he had wanted in the rare times when everything got too much, to have one person at least that he could, for a moment or two, lean on.
Selfish.
Xichen shakes his head very slightly. ]
Only for you, but they are things I know full well that are not mine to give. Peace. Happiness, even, though the full extent of it has been lost.
[ Had he the strength, Xichen would laugh at himself, bitterly, for how useless he is to give such things. After priding himself in it for so long. ]
[ Huaisang could almost see there were things unsaid but he couldn't bring himself to call Xichen on it. He doesn't have the energy to try to overcome his anger and the heavy feeling of betrayal that's drowning him. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
After meng yao's message, action
He feels sick to his stomach and doesn't know, in any way or shape, how to stop people hurting on his account without removing himself altogether, but even if he knew how to do that, it would hurt Wangji, all of them, so it's out of the question, too.
The first person he seeks out is Huaisang. However large the train is, it is finite, and Xichen will knock on his cabin door if he doesn't find him elsewhere. ]
Huaisang.
[ Quiet. ]
no subject
What do you want?
[ His words are tired. ]
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Not that he has an answer proper, so he goes with close enough. ]
To check on you. Rather than try to talk to him.
[ The comfort he has in him to give is limited, but it is honest. ]
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Well, I'm fine.
[ Huaisang says simply and it's not particularly honest in any way. ]
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Are you?
[ So often... he has not questioned, for he wished it so. ]
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Is my well being really any concern of yours?
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[ Softly, but without hesitation. ]
There is much that I have been doing wrong, much that I have been blind to. It is not how I wish to be, however.
no subject
[ Huaisang says bluntly. ]
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I can't.
But I can make them worse, and would like not to.
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And how will you not make it worse?
[ Huaisang is tired, he's tired of the pain, of the burning need for revenge, for vengeance and the frustration of feeling even more alone than he had in that room with Jin Guangyao after the funeral, than when he had first arrived on the train. There had been a moment of comfort with Jiang Cheng but then it had seemed he's been avoided since. ]
no subject
It is how da ge wanted it. Guiding him... does not mean indulging him.
I am no longer blindly on his side. That is what I can do.
no subject
[ Huaisang focuses on his anger so he doesn't have to deal with his grief in front of Xichen. ]
What makes you think that you would treat me any differently than you did da ge when he tried? Would you make me feel like I am going mad? You can't... honestly believe that you can't be fooled again. Not with what he has always meant to you. Love makes even the wisest of men fools.
[ Lan Xichen, his brother... when has love not made one a fool? ]
no subject
Only for him.
After a moment, he points out quietly, ] once he saw him, da ge never faltered in knowing. I will not, either.
[ You can't love with a dead heart, Huaisang. And Xichen's is very much that. ]
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What is it that you want from me, er ge?
no subject
[ Xichen considers again, but as usual when asked about what he wants, he comes up empty. Even more so after it all came to light. He had wanted both da ge and - he had wanted both his sworn brothers. He had wanted for them to bring peace to each other. Later... he had wanted in the rare times when everything got too much, to have one person at least that he could, for a moment or two, lean on.
Selfish.
Xichen shakes his head very slightly. ]
Only for you, but they are things I know full well that are not mine to give. Peace. Happiness, even, though the full extent of it has been lost.
[ Had he the strength, Xichen would laugh at himself, bitterly, for how useless he is to give such things. After priding himself in it for so long. ]
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None of that is possible anymore.
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Many things seem impossible until they come to pass. And some truly are.
Even to those of us who are from a later time, it is not given to see the future. Right or wrong, you will need to find out for yourself.
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Mm.
[ And then in a moment of weakness... ]
I miss him.
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You of us all have the greatest right. I... do hope that the train is kind again, one day.